I went to a dance recital this weekend for my old dance school. I danced from the age of 4 until I was 17. I skipped a few years off and on, but it was a big part of my life. Every year I try to go to these recitals and every year I want to cry because I miss it so much. It's funny looking back because I did not want to go to dance classes growing up. It was extremely difficult on my mom. There were days she couldn't get me out of the car because I would have a bad meltdown and tell her no until she took me back home. I don't know how she did it. I am so glad she made me do it though.
When I was younger, I would dance in my room when no one was watching. My mom told me that she would walk in on me dancing alone in my room and realized how much I enjoyed it. She knew I just didn't want to do it in front of people. I got nervous on stage every year, but I was more nervous during dance class. In class we would have to do groups where half the class would do the dance and the other half watched. I was more scared of that because I felt like I wasn't as good as everyone else. I was terrified to walk into class every day, so I tried not to by yelling at my mom not to take me. She had to remind me every week that I like dance. Every time I came out of class, my mom would ask me "did you have fun?" knowing I was mad before I went in. I always answered "yeah." I was always so happy to be there.
I probably threw a fit every time she took me to class from when I was 4 until I was about 15. Even when I was older there were days I just didn't want to go, but it wasn't as often. I was so mad she made me go every week, but also so happy after she made me. I was always nervous. I also didn't have friends at the dance school, so I always felt left out. That played a role in me not wanting to go. Honestly, in the end I never cared if I had friends there. I was just in it because I had fun doing it. I would talk to people occasionally, but I never spoke to anyone outside of class. I didn't know how. I also wasn't as good as a lot of the dancers, but it was still fun and a huge part of my life.
I'll never forget this one time I was on the stage when I was still a kid. They were giving out trophies to the dancers and they said my last name as "sigh-enz," which is not how it's pronounced. I didn't go up because I genuinely didn't realize they were saying my name. Everyone kept saying that's me and to go. I was telling everyone "no, that's not my last name." I think my sister told me and that's when I realized they just mispronounced it. I realize now everyone probably thought I was just being difficult, but it was really more of a communication deficit. No one understood why I was so confused. I think having that happen made me a little embarrassed as a kid, but even with that I loved dancing.
I believe it is important to push people who are autistic or have other disabilities to do the things they enjoy. I am so happy my mom made me do this, even through all the arguments we had. I know it is hard work to make someone do something that they struggle with, but sometimes it's worth it. I wouldn't force someone to do something they don't want to do, but try to learn what the person truly is passionate about. It doesn't matter how good or social they are. There are ways for them to participate. I joined band and chorus in high school and I do not think I would have had the courage to do that if my mom hadn't pushed me as a kid. I stayed in chorus throughout college and made some of my closest friends through chorus and band.
Looking back, I wish I hadn't been so difficult to get out of the car because dance has made a huge impact on me growing up. It helped me accept that I don't have to be the best to enjoy something. It's so much more important to have fun doing it than to be good. I wanted to share my story because sometimes as a kid we don't realize what we really enjoy until we grow up. As a kid I thought giving up was easier than dealing with the anxiety, but dealing with the anxiety made me stronger as a person. I have learned to appreciate things in life more as I got older.
Comments