"Do you ever wonder what it would be like if you didn't have autism?" I got asked this recently. This is hard to answer because I was diagnosed with autism so late. In all honesty sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I had a diagnosis sooner. I have wondered how it would feel to not have crazy mood swings with no explanation. I wonder how it feels to not have to apologize for being "rude" when I think of it as honesty. I wonder what it would be like to be comfortable socially, with food, or with sensory issues. I really wonder what it would be like if I could relate to everyone. I'm an outcast usually. Neurotypicals don't have to worry about these things all the time and that is just a small list of the issues a person with autism deals with daily.
There are days where I go from being in a really good mood in the morning to yelling mid- day, then crying at night. Imagine what it feels like to be able to shift moods so quick and not always knowing why. When I am angry, more than half the time I don't know what's wrong until after I've had a meltdown. I think about this a lot. I wonder what it is like to understand your emotions. To know why you feel these things. The reason it is stereotyped that individuals with autism lack empathy is because we mask so much. If we didn't mask our emotions, these extreme moods would be a normal day for us. We would seem like a lost cause. We pretend we don't care, so we don't have outbursts, but when we continue masking eventually it becomes a meltdown. It means we can't hide our emotions anymore even if we wanted to. Now, bluntness in autism is fairly common; not knowing when or where to say something. One time, I told someone "I didn't really like helping people" when he started talking about his personal issues. I didn't mean it in a rude way. In my mind, I just felt like I wouldn't be useful in the situation. I knew I wouldn't be able to do much for him. It didn't even cross my mind that he may just want someone to listen to him; I just assumed he'd want the problem fixed. Sometimes I say things to my mom that hurt her feelings and I can't tell if what I said is wrong or not. I feel that as a neurotypical person I wouldn't need help with all these social cues. I would just know right from wrong.
There is a good chance I would still have my social anxiety even if I was neurotypical, so I've never thought about that. I am an extremely picky eater and often wonder what it would be like to enjoy trying new foods; however, I do like to stick to my foods. If you are neurotypical, loud noises, bright lights, and touching probably don't bother you much. For me, loud noises hurt my ears, bright lights hurt my eyes, and touching makes me uncomfortable a lot. I don't just mean people touching me. I could never tighten my bra straps because I don't like the feeling of the straps and I don't wear necklaces often because I don't like things touching my neck. I would like to know if as a neurotypical you even think of these things when getting dressed. It is funny we have so many sensory issues, but there are also senses that we love. I love playing with or touching hair and the smell of it. This is another example of what may not seem "socially acceptable." I play with my friends hair beyond normal. They say I treat them like they're my pets. To a neurotypical, I'm sure this is super weird, but to me it is comforting. Having a routine is another big thing with autism. I don't just mean I want to do my homework, so that I have accomplished something. A routine for me is watching the same shows repetitively or doing the same activities repetitively. I like to paint, watch TV, and read. I like to do the same type of art, read the same types of books, and watch the same types of shows. I don't get bored easily. I feel that neurotypicals would prefer to switch things up every once in a while. I believe neurotypicals may struggle with similar issues; however, the severity is much more acceptable in neurotypicals.
I would love to be able to put myself in the shoes of a neurotypical, but unfortunately that is very difficult for me. So, instead I spoke to someone who is neurotypical to try to understand them. I came to the conclusion that one of the reasons it is so difficult to picture myself as neurotypical is the way my memory works. My neurotypical friend told me he remembers things based on emotional importance. My memory is not like this. I remember things like schedules, birthdays, and addresses. I do remember things when they are important sometimes, but I remember small random facts more. I can remember more the scene of what happened than the words if this makes sense. I can remember where I was, who I was with and the actions that occurred, but not what we said to each other. There's a better chance of me remembering my friends birthdays or addresses than me remembering a conversation I had with them. The way I think is also very different from a neurotypical. I like structure a lot. If I have to be somewhere at 8:00 I want to be there at least 10- 15 minutes early. My friend told me if he had to be at work at 8:00 and he got there at 8:00 he would be fine. Personally, if I was scheduled to work at 8:00 and I parked at 8:00 in my work parking lot I would be freaking out. I would assume that since I parked at 8:00 I am going to walk in at 8:01 and be late. I automatically think worst-case scenario. I also like to know the exact time if someone gives me the time. For example if it is 8:27 and someone tells me it is 8:30 it is frustrating. This isn't because I want to be difficult. It just gives me anxiety not having that accuracy, especially if I am getting ready to go somewhere. In that case, I just assume I have no time and excessively worry. From what I understand, neurotypicals don't stress so much over these little things. This makes the question "Do you ever wonder what it would be like if you didn't have autism?" hard to answer. It is hard to answer this when two brains work so differently.
As I was talking to my friend, I realized I am terrible at understanding metaphors. I have had people say things like "curiosity kills the cat" or "killing two birds with one stone" to me before and they make no sense. Once I had them explained it helped, but my first thoughts were "why would asking questions cause death to a cat?" and "why would I kill birds with a stone?" I still think it would be way easier to just explain yourself, but a lot of neurotypicals like to use phrases like these. To me learning all these weird, funky phrases would be exhausting. I like that with autism I can just speak my mind and not always feel like I have to relate to something. It is a lot easier to not be speaking in metaphors in my opinion.
I am sure being neurotypical would be much easier, but honestly I am not ashamed to be autistic. It is a part of me and I think I would be lost as a neurotypical. It is hard to put myself in those shoes. I feel like I wouldn't know myself. I would have to learn everything all over again. It is like if I asked a neurotypical if they have ever wondered what it's like to be autistic. They would have no idea how to respond to that because they were born neurotypical. It would be a completely different life. So, to answer this question, yes I have wondered what it would be like, but I wouldn't change having autism.
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