Fifty Shades of Jade

Today I'm going to talk more about what it's like for people with autism. Recently an old friend texted me. We had only stopped talking because he told me I had no common sense and talking to me was like "talking to a brick wall." I have been told by several people talking to me is frustrating or difficult because I either say too much or I don't say enough. I have also been told I have no common sense a lot, which goes hand in hand with it being frustrating to talk to me. I want to explain why I am like this. Everyone with autism is different, so this may not apply to all people; however, I would like to share my experience.

When I am having a conversation it takes me a while to process what the other person has said if there is a lot of background noise or if I am feeling overwhelmed. It doesn't feel like a simple task for me to respond even if it is a yes or no question. I'm more focused on the outcome. I want to make everyone happy. For example if someone asks "what do you want to do?" I am thinking what I want to do might not make the other person happy; therefore, it's the wrong thing to do. I have a very odd memory. I remember things long term for the most part, but if I just did something (i.e. straightened my hair, took laundry out) I often forget whether or not I did it. I often get dreams mixed up with reality as well. Sometimes I think dreams I had really happened and they are jumbled in my memory. This makes it hard to answer when I get asked if I did something. If someone asks if I turned off the straightener I have to make sure they check because I forgot whether or not I did most of the time. I work at a school and have had co- workers ask how my students behaved earlier in the day or the day before and I cannot remember, but if they ask me on Friday how Jimmy behaved on Monday I can remember. My memory is much more complex than the average person. I struggle to remember things the day of the event a lot of the time. I've had so many past relationships and friendships end because "I don't have the common sense to know that the they're mad." I struggle with social cues. If there is a change of tone I tend to pick up on them, but texting is more common nowadays. I have had people text me that "Me not having the common sense to figure something out makes them not want to talk to me." This is probably something I hear regularly and it's just as frustrating for me as it is for them. I can't change this and people seem to not realize this. It is extremely frustrating that I can't tell whether my friends or partners are mad or not. It ends up starting an argument 99% of the time and it's exhausting.

It's even worse when I try to help someone once I have figured out they are sad. The other day my friend told me work was stressful and he felt underappreciated. He said he wanted to take a semester off from school and get a job that requires a certificate. I was more focused on solving the problem than trying to comfort this person. He got mad at me because I told him it isn't a good idea to quit school, but looking for a job would be beneficial. This person got really annoyed at me and I couldn't figure out why. Once he had calmed down, he told me he just wanted comfort and someone to vent to. He didn't want to hear what I thought at the moment. I didn't realize that I wasn't supposed to be honest. I tend to just tell the truth instead of comfort because I think hearing the truth is comforting, but I've learned most people don't want the truth they want to hear that there's hope. I try to convince people that they aren't feeling certain ways because I thought that was what giving hope was. I was wrong. When I don't try to give advice people think I don't care, but when I try people think I'm rude because I don't want to lie and say everything will get better. Usually it doesn't get better unless something changes and it makes me unsure of what to do in these situations.

If you haven't read my first post, I was diagnosed with autism late. I was 20 years old and currently am 21. So many people have said I have no common sense. I never knew why. When I got diagnosed I was so relieved because everything made sense. I do not think people with autism have no common sense. I think they just take longer to process what is being said and may need a little more detail. When I was younger everyone would joke that my favorite word was "why?" and to this day it still is. My mom would tell me "Do the dishes." I answered "why?" I got asked things as simple as my name or age and I would answer, but then ask "why?" To this day when people ask me almost anything I will answer, but I ask "why?" It's annoying to those not in my mind. I ask why because I need to know details. When I was younger I didn't get the point of doing chores. I thought to myself "My mom knows how to do them. Why do I need to?" I didn't think this out of spite though. This is where people get confused. They think I question everything to be a pain in the ass, but in reality I genuinely didn't understand and still don't sometimes. I didn't get why I had to learn simple tasks that others could do. I thought others could do it and it was their job. Now that I'm older I understand more, but there is still a lot I question today. I think it is important to figure out when someone is just being difficult and trying to be a pain versus when they just don't know. The other day I had a band-aid on and my student asked me what happened. I told him I cut myself with a knife when I was cutting something. He asked me "why?" I told him it was an accident and I didn't mean to. He responded with "why?" I said "I was using it and it just slipped." He stopped questioning after that. This student has a disability and I saw myself in him when he asked, but I knew he just didn't understand.

There are times where people with disabilities don't understand, but if others took the time out to explain or go in depth maybe neurotypical people would not get tired of us so fast. A neurotypical is someone without a disability. People need to know that those of us with a disability are just as frustrated not being able to understand as you are when you're trying to explain. When neurotypicals have the time to explain, we have the time to understand.

FYI all the names in my posts are fake names for their protection.