1. Getting annoyed because we are asking too many questions
If someone who is autistic is asking a million questions about a topic, then they might genuinely be confused. There are people who will ask questions just to annoy you; however, if you always disregard their questions, then they may feel like you do not care. I have been told that I ask "why" too often. I don't do this to annoy everyone around me. In my mind a lot of things don't make sense until I have all the answers. If someone asks me to do something for them and I don't have a reason why I should, then it just does not feel important to me. Those of us with autism often want to understand you and the only way we know how is by asking a lot of questions. It is difficult to live in a neurotypical world because we are expected to "just know" the reasons behind everything. When you get annoyed at us for asking questions, it makes us feel like you don't want to help us. It might make us stop asking, but it prevents us from understanding what is happening around us, so please learn to be patient with us while we try to process everything.
2. Saying "because I said so"
This is one of the most frustrating phrases ever to many people who are autistic. I understand that this is usually said because you are in charge of a child, so there should not have to be an explanation, but it is confusing for so many people with autism. Growing up if I was told to do chores or that I can't have something, my first question was always "why?". I would get told "because I said so." This didn't make any sense to me. If my mom told me to do the dishes because she said so, then I would not feel obligated to do them because that isn't really a reason that makes any sense. If she told me "do the dishes because they need to be cleaned," then I would probably be more willing to do them. I never understood why I couldn't have certain toys as a child, but now I realize it was because some things were too expensive. A lot of people assume that because we are autistic or because we struggle more that we don't understand logic. It is actually the opposite of that. It makes a lot more sense to me why I should not do something if there is a reason behind it. Ever since I started working with kids with autism, I have noticed they are very appreciative of reasoning. They don't like to hear no, but they are more accepting of the word "no" when I give them a reason. It is important that people with autism understand where you are coming from, so try to explain it to them the best you can.
3. Yelling
Yelling at someone really doesn't help anyone, whether they are autistic or not, but with autism it is hard to understand why we are being yelled at. A lot of us with autism have a hard time processing what you are saying, so instead of really understanding why you are mad at us, we will just hear that you raised your voice and assume we aren't good enough for another person. I believe a lot of neurotypicals also just forget about it after a while. As someone with autism, I can say that being yelled at is not something we just forget about. It stays in our head for a long time and we have to try to understand what we did wrong. This also makes communication difficult. It is very difficult for me to apologize to people, so after arguments I just feel weird most of the time. I never know how to act. I am not sure if everyone with autism feels this way, but I assume there are people who relate to this. I understand that we all get frustrated, but try to avoid raising your voice. It is better to sit down and try to understand the person. They may also need a break. If an autistic person is having a meltdown, it is better to just leave them alone for a little and come back when they are calm. They will be more willing to talk and try to explain what is going on to the best of their ability.
4. Changing Routine
Having a set routine or schedule is extremely important to people with autism. Most of us do not like change. This can be as simple as leaving for school at the same time every day. I personally like to leave for work at exactly 7:15 every morning. I have been asked why time is so important to me and I can't give a good answer. It is just comforting to know that nothing has changed. If I had to leave at 7:17 one day, it would annoy me and give me anxiety. I do not know how to explain why this happens, but I want to express how stressful it is when you change little things for those of us with autism. Most people with autism also like to know what is going to happen, which is why going new places can be overwhelming for us. My mom used to write me a schedule when we were going somewhere new, so I had an idea of what to expect. This may be helpful for other parents with autistic children. I also used to bring my stuffed animal everywhere. I even brought her to the grocery store and it brought me a lot of comfort. I know a lot of these things seem weird or different to neurotypical people, but this is so important for those of us with autism. Doing little things like these can make a huge impact on someone with autism. People with autism should be able to feel comfortable and welcomed even if we are a little different.
5. Not Stimming
If you do not know what stimming is, it is a repetitive movement or noise that brings us comfort. This could be things like hand flapping, clapping, or whistling. I personally do not stim much, but I do make weird noises sometimes without realizing it. This falls under that category of stimming. I also do little dances when I get excited. This could also be stimming. There are people with autism who stim regularly. I have seen people try to stop stimming. You should not try to stop someone from stimming. It is not harmful for anyone and it is something that bring us comfort. It is usually done because we are happy. Some people find it "weird" or "unusual," so they do not think it is okay, but people should just let us be happy and stop trying to make us fit into the neurotypical world. Unless it is harming someone, please just leave this alone.
6. Taking toys away
I understand sometimes this one can be necessary, but it is important not to take a comfort toy away. When I was younger my mom would take my phone away or my games away. It was frustrating, but I would have been way more upset if it were my stuffed animals. Stuffed animals were my comfort toy. Some people with autism use stim toys throughout the day and those are extremely important for us. Taking something away that helps a child feel comfortable is not healthy for them. I used to get panic attacked when I lost my doll as a child. I couldn't do anything until I found her. If you have to take toys away it is acceptable, but make sure it is not a toy that is meant for comfort. Taking something that important might trigger a meltdown and it will become a bigger problem.
7. Rewarding good behavior
I know this one probably sounds crazy. This does not mean never reward good behavior. I mentioned earlier how important routine is. If you decide to reward good behavior, then the person with autism is probably going to expect to get something every time they behave well. I would just be prepared to always have something like candy available for good behavior. It is also important to be prepared for bad behavior if you do not have something to give out one day. People with autism tend to stick to routine and that would be throwing off routine. It is perfectly fine to reward good behavior as long as you prepare yourself for the off days.
8. Underestimating
Do not underestimate anyone with autism. This makes us feel like you don't believe in us. We are capable of a lot more than people realize. I know people have this set idea of what autism is in their head, but I can tell you that it's probably not what you have in mind. Do not assume we are not less than you just because we have a disability. We simply process information differently than you do. There are people with autism who work and go to school. There are also people with autism who don't, but they have different talents. I was told for a long time that I was going to struggle working a full time job because I always quit, but this is the longest I have worked without quitting a job. I just had to find my passion. Instead of focusing on what people with autism can't do, try to find out what they can do. It might surprise you.
9. Overestimating
This is another one that probably sounds like a positive thing. I am so happy that people believe in me, but sometimes this leads to higher expectations than I can meet. I have this happen to me more than being underestimated. I believe this can often be due to masking. People assume that because I hide a lot of autistic traits that they just don't exist, but that is not true. I got very overwhelmed with school when I started working towards my bachelors degree and needed a break. A lot of people didn't like that and I felt like they just didn't understand how hard academics are for me. I feel like this is because in everyday life I can function well enough to get by, but that does not mean it's easy for me. Do not assume that people with autism can do everything. A lot of people with autism mask, so they may be struggling more than you realize. It is always nice that people believe we are capable of things, but it becomes stressful when they think we can do everything. We often require more time and breaks. Understanding the challenges in autism is crucial to be able to support us.
Everyone with autism is different, so some of these things may not matter as much to one individual than to the other. It is important to know what each individual needs help with and what they are capable of. Autism is a wide spectrum and we all have different strengths and weaknesses. These are some things that I have seen as issues with autism. Please know that those of us with autism are not doing any of these things to annoy you. It is mentally draining for us when we do not know or understand something. If you can learn to be patient with us, then it might prevent meltdowns in the future. If you know of other things that may be hurting people with autism feel free to tell me in the comments. I hope this helped you understand what it's like living in this world as an autistic person!
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