TRIGGER WARNING: suicide attempts, suicidal thoughts
Hi everyone! I'm sorry for not posting anything in a while. I have been going through severe depression and I wanted to update you guys on what's been going on with me since I haven't been on. I'm hoping my story will also help those who have been through similar experiences. Also, happy Mental Health Awareness Month!
About 3 months ago, I got back together with one of my exes. He was the person I was dating during my first baker act. I'm not sure if I mentioned him in my previous baker act post. It was a toxic relationship both times we dated. and I didn't understand why at first. It felt like he was a different person this time, but he never could understand my struggles. He was bipolar and there would be days where he didn't seem to really want to hang out. This started to happen regularly, and I took it personal. He had mentioned how he feared losing his friends and that hanging out with me all the time was a lot to deal with, but it felt like he was telling me he never wanted me around. I would try to say we could all hang out as well, but he would tell me that they wouldn’t want me around. I also couldn't handle that there was never a routine. We both had a hard time compromising and when two people want to do things their way all the time, it leads to a lot of arguments. It felt like every time I was in a good mood he got upset and when I was depressed, he was too overwhelmed to be with me. I knew that he didn't know how to help me, but even me just asking him to spend some time with me was too much for him. It was difficult because our moods were never in sync. It took me a long time to realize how bad the relationship was.
One day, I asked him to come over because I was upset. I don't remember what I was upset over, but it got bad, and I took a lot of pills. I overdosed on my strongest medication and got baker acted for the second time. I wish I could go more into detail on what happened during the time I was on pills, but I sort of blacked out from taking so many pills. From what I've heard about myself, the cops came and had to restrain me because I was screaming and not willing to cooperate. I heard I got aggressive too. I vaguely remember getting to the hospital and calming down, but I was still out of it. The first thing I can really remember clearly is having an IV in me and laying in the bed in the hospital. The baker act was different from my first one since it was a medical issue. I had to stay in the hospital for three days with the IV in me the whole time. I was alone throughout the whole baker act (besides the workers). I was getting a lot of panic attacks because I felt like the psychiatrist didn’t like me. She kept telling me I wasn't giving her enough information about my situation, but I wasn't trying to hide anything. I simply couldn't get my words out. It sucks when people think I'm just being difficult. I ended up having to write all my thoughts down and read it to her because I couldn't think when she was in the room with me. I think it’s important to make sure workers know how to work with autistic people. I felt like she was stressing me out more than helping. The other workers were great and helped me a lot. The whole baker act was pretty much me just watching movies and eating. I got to choose what I ate, which was nicer than the last baker act. I felt like I could eat more than last time I was baker acted since I liked the food. Honestly, the baker act was pretty uneventful. I was ready to be home after the three days.
By now, you would probably think I would have realized my relationship was getting bad, but instead of thinking logically I got back together with that guy. I let my emotions take over. We did okay for a couple weeks. He had told me he missed me a lot when I was in the hospital and he was worried about me, so I thought maybe we would do better and he would show he cares more. I think we started arguing again the second month we were together. It was all the same stuff; we didn't have anything in common, he never wanted to include me, we both like things our way, and both have mood swings. I basically told him I was getting severe depression and I think he felt like it was his fault a little, but I tried to explain that it wasn't him. He told me I have too much depression for him to deal with and how he was emotionally unavailable, so I was making him uncomfortable. I tried to understand what this meant, but I have a hard time putting myself in other people’s shoes, so to me I felt like he was just saying I'm too difficult. I never understood why he always wanted to be alone because I like to spend a lot of time with people I date. We got in an argument over this that blew out of proportion. He got concerned I wanted to hurt myself, but it seemed like anger to me. I got mad as well. I'm not sure if I was mad at him or myself honestly. I was pretty upset with myself for being so depressed and not being able to handle my emotions. I felt like I was constantly losing control over myself. I know he was trying to help, but I have a hard time managing my anger in the moment and in that moment I didn't realize he was trying to help. It felt like he didn't care. Maybe it was in my head, but at the time I didn't care much. I started yelling at him because he tried to leave me during the conversation and basically kept following him. My mom was home and came out and I got physical with her. I felt terrible for that because I had never gotten like that before. I just couldn't figure out what I was feeling and couldn't speak my words, so I think that was me trying to express that I'm not okay, but it wasn't the right thing to do. My ex finally left the house and blocked my number. I walked out of the house and just walked down my street. I walked a little far and started to calm down. I also started to get a little nervous because it was so dark out. I called my friend and she picked me up. I had to stay with her for a couple days because I was too embarrassed to go home after everything happened. I also wasn't sure if I would be okay after everything that happened. I was starting to feel better after not talking to him for a couple weeks, but I really missed him. He ended up contacting me not long after that.
This time around he told me he just wanted to be friends. He said we weren't going to hang out or anything. We ended up hanging out within a week or two. This was the last time we talked. It was like the other times. I told him I was suicidal this time and he told me he didn't know how to help me, so I just asked him to be with me because I knew if he left, I would try to hurt myself. I had been missing a lot of work and not contacting anyone because I was preparing myself to end my life and I didn't want anyone to be attached to me when it ended. I had bought a gun and ammo and after that fight with my ex I went missing for a little because I was ready to do it. I won't mention where I went, but when I got there, I loaded the gun and put it to my forehead. I started freaking out because I was afraid it would hurt or I wouldn't die. I wish I could say it was because I didn't want to die that I put the gun down, but it wasn't the reason in that moment. I just wanted to be sure my life would end at the time, and I felt like it wasn’t guaranteed. I threw the gun down and just cried for a while. I ended up driving to my friend’s house in tears. I didn't say anything. I just cried for like 10 minutes. I told him what happened, and I gave the gun to him. I asked him to drive me to get baker acted, but before he could take me, the cops pulled up behind us. I guess my ex had contacted someone because he knew I had the gun. They also didn't know where I was at first. When the cops came, I had already calmed down, so it wasn’t as bad as the last time. I handed over the gun to them willingly, then got in their car and they drove me to the hospital to be baker acted again.
I was a lot calmer this time and the cops that I was dealing with seemed a lot more patient than the ones before, but I also don't fully remember that time, so I could be wrong. When I got to the hospital, they drew my blood and did a quick check up, which is what they usually do. After that, I was taken to the holding area for baker acts. I was only in that part for one night before they moved me to an actual baker act facility. That night wasn't too bad. I watched TV and I made a friend. It was nice to talk to someone after everything that had happened. One of the things I like about baker acts is that everyone openly talks about their depression or other issues since we all have something that got us there. We talked about why we were there and a little about some of our issues. After the first night, they transferred me to another place. If you have read my first baker act post, the process was similar. If not, I'll post the link at the bottom of this post. Basically, there was a set time for breakfast, lunch and dinner. We had to take medicine at a certain time and talk to a psychiatrist every day. The rest of the day was usually free time. If it wasn’t free time, it was group therapy. My first morning there, I made a few friends, but they were all going home that day. This girl I met there had an autistic son, so we talked about autism for a while. It was hard to be social because so many people stayed in their rooms after she left. I colored a lot of coloring sheets in my time there instead of talking. It was my way of staying busy when no one else was out of their room. The first couple days I kept to myself a little. There were people who would talk to me, but only occasionally. I think around my 4th or 5th day I made a friend with someone. It came up in conversation that he had a brother who is autistic, so it felt like we had a lot to talk about and it was nice finally talking to someone. He also got there the same day as me, so we were kind of feeling the same from being there a few days already and not having many people to talk to.
I believe it was the same day a girl with autism had come in and I could tell she was nervous. Her second day there, she started talking to me. Her first words to me were "are you on the spectrum too?" I thought it was nice to have someone so open about being autistic and it would be nice for me to make a friend that is autistic. She was really sweet. I got her and my other friend to play Jenga with me that night and it made the time go a little faster. We played Jenga and Uno. My time there started getting better when I started to make some friends. I was getting tired of coloring, doing word searches, and playing sudoku. The next day another person came in who I ended up talking to a lot. We had a lot in common, so we became friends quickly. I spent my last two days basically talking to him and hanging out with him. We played Uno with some of the other people and he taught me how to play chess. He made my last two days there a lot easier to get through. We both got to go home the same day and exchanged phone numbers before we left. Around the time he came, I wasn't even thinking about my ex anymore. I went from trying to call him my first night to completely being over it at the end. I thought it was so crazy how just not contacting someone for a week can help so much. My friend I met texted me the same day when we got back home. We still talk regularly, and we both realized we liked each other a little. I went in devasted over a guy and ended up meeting someone who enjoys being around me and spending a lot of time with me. It's nice to know that there are people who can show they care and are more suited for me.
The day I went home, I got a paper and I realized they diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). If you don’t know what that is, it mostly affects personal relationships. It can cause sudden mood swings that can change within hours. Some of the common signs are suicidal ideation (especially from breakups), mood swings, feeling empty, fear of abandonment, unstable relationships, and changing your self-image often. I had suspected I had this already, but I didn’t have an official diagnosis. I had been told by a few people that it was likely. I thought maybe my autism was just affecting everything, but knowing I have both helped me understand a lot more about why my relationships were so difficult. It helped me a lot being diagnosed because I realized I’m not completely crazy. I just need more to work on myself more.
I think it's important to remember not everyone will be the right match for you. It took me a while to figure that out. I thought liking someone would be enough, but I’ve learned it isn’t everything. It doesn't make them bad people when things don't work out. We just aren't always compatible with our partners and for those of us who are autistic or have BPD, it can be really difficult to find someone who understands us and is willing to learn what autism or BPD is. I do not think my ex is a horrible person and I don't want to assume what he was thinking or feeling. This is just how I felt during the relationship. He might have another perspective. I wanted to share how I felt as an autistic person. Not every autistic person is the same. I also wanted to share a little about how I found out I have BPD. These are just my feelings. I don’t speak for anyone else. I'm glad I got to share this story to people who might need to hear it!
Link to baker act post: https://www.fiftyshadesofjade.com/post/i-was-baker-acted
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