TRIGGER WARNING: abuse, suicide, self- harm
I want to post an update because I feel like I'm getting a lot of judgement lately. I want to share my side. I can't put it into words, so I'm posting it here. This post might be long and depressing and I'm sorry if it gets triggering at any point! Please do not read it if any of the triggers are going to be too much.
In the past year, I started experiencing psychosis. I finally went to get tested because I suspected I had a psychotic disorder. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with psychotic features (psychotic depression). She also diagnosed me with PTSD and Panic Disorder, while I was already diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder, Autism, and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). If you don't experience any of these, then you don't understand how hard it is to manage all of this at once.
Some of my psychotic symptoms are hallucinations and delusions. My hallucinations are often of black figures that can seem a little scary. I have heard voices telling me not to live or to self- harm. The hallucinations have calmed down a bit with medication, but it can be scary when they do come. Sometimes I feel like people can read my mind, so it's scary to even think about anything around people. I also often feel like everyone wants me dead or to harm me. My other fear is that the police are out to get me at times. It's a constant battle trying to just leave the house when I feel like I'm being followed. People don't realize how hard it is to deal with these symptoms.
I have mentioned that I have BPD. I think it's common for people with BPD to also have PTSD since it is often caused by trauma. I have been physically assaulted. I don't ever talk about this. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail about it; however, it affects me a lot during romantic relationships and they tend to be very unsteady. I have had suicide attempts because I couldn't manage my relationships and I have self- harmed. I still currently have self- harm marks that won't go away. It's been a couple months since I have, but I have to be reminded every day of how much pain I've gone through when I see them. I hate not being able to wear short dresses anymore or shorts anymore when I go out. I have gotten a little better with these things, but I can't control how long they take to heal. I wouldn't want anyone to go through what I've gone through.
General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Panic Disorder are both anxiety disorders. They can both lead to severe panic attacks. I have had times where I'm having chest pains and shaking to the point where I feel like I need to go to the hospital. My mind is constantly overthinking everything and I can't ever relax. I tend to cry when my anxiety gets too bad and it prevents me from being able to do anything. There are times where I can't function because my anxiety gets so overwhelming. It isn't the typical being worried to meet new people or go new places. It's constant. My anxiety never goes away and it isn't usually caused by anything.
I have already talked about how BPD and autism affect me in previous posts, so I won't go into too much detail on those, but they both affect my every day relationships. They affect how I communicate with people on a daily basis and my moods fluctuate often because of both. If you want to learn more about these disorders, you can look at my previous posts.
I don't talk about all these disorders regularly because it's a lot. I am affected the most by the BPD and Autism, which is why I focus on those in this blog. If you are interested in learning more about any of them; I am open to talking about them as well. I hope this helps people understand how I am feeling and why I've done certain things. I hope someone can also relate to these. This is also just my experience with these disorders. Everyone experiences different symptoms. It might look different for other people with these disorders. Thank you for reading this post and I appreciate all of you!
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