TRIGGER WARNING: suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts.
I remember the day the cops showed up at my house and I was taken away in handcuffs. I was not under arrest, but they told me they had to handcuff me for my safety. I was freaking out internally. This is a difficult post for me to write because it is so personal, but because it is mental health awareness month, I thought I would share my story. When I was 18, I got baker acted. A baker act can be voluntary or involuntary, but it is basically when you are taken to a mental treatment center, usually for 72 hours due to violent or suicidal signs of mental illness. In my case it was involuntary. I have heard of a few different people being baker acted and this is just my story.
I have always suffered from depression, anxiety, and autism; however, growing up I only knew about the anxiety and depression. When I was in high school, about 16 years old, I tried to overdose on my medication. I believe it was a medication often used for ADHD or anxiety disorders. I remember getting extremely paranoid and waking my mom up in the middle of the night. She had to take me to the hospital after I told her what happened. I remember doing it because I was rejected by someone. I realized it was an extreme thing to do and could not figure out why it effected so negatively. At the hospital, they told me they weren't going to baker act me; however, if it happens again, they will have to baker act me. They told me the same thing about a year or two later over a similar situation, except I never attempted suicide the second time.
Perhaps hearing the same thing a few times throughout my life made me think it was just bullshit. I never suspected it would actually happen. It just sounded like a threat to prevent me from doing it. Around the time I was thinking like this is when I actually was baker acted. It's interesting how you go to a mental health institution to get help, but a lot of it isn't helpful. I remember them questioning me at my front door about what happened. They told me that someone called them and said I was making threats. I was extremely nervous because I tend to freeze up around authority figures. I also did not have an adult with me. I only had two friends with me that could not do anything. I answered the best I could, then they put me in handcuffs and told me I'm not in trouble, but they had to take me to the hospital to see if I needed more help.
It was not like what you see in movies where everyone is really mean or interrogating you. I got to the hospital and had to wait for a while. They drew my blood when I first arrived and had me take my clothes off. I had to remove everything except my underwear I believe. They did give me a robe to wear though. They took my phone from me and asked me questions about what happened to determine if I had to go to the mental health center. They were simple questions, like "do you want to hurt yourself" or "do you have a plan?" I answered all the questions and they basically told me I didn't handle the situation well and have to be taken to the mental health center. I had to wait until they could take me though. They removed my handcuffs and I sat in a chair in a room of the hospital. I was sitting there for about 24 hours with no one to talk to, nothing to do, and no phone. There were other people in the room, but they were all there for different reasons. Some were in my position and some were more sever. There was a woman yelling about demons and how the workers were going to hell. She was in her own room. I felt like I was going crazier than I felt before. They did provide food, but I barely ate because I am extremely picky, so it was exhausting for me. I believe it was eggs and pancakes. The eggs were gross and the pancakes barely had syrup. I have to have a lot of syrup to eat pancakes. I don't like them plain. I slept for maybe three or four hours, then not long after I woke up, they said I was ready to go to the mental health center.
An ambulance came and picked me up and drove me to the center. Once I got there, I was waiting for another few hours. It wasn't nearly as long as the first time, but it was about 2 hours. They gave me something to drink and offered me tacos for lunch, but again I didn't eat. I had to speak to a therapist and I honestly do not remember what we talked about. She explained how the center works and what I will be doing. I remember her telling me I would be sharing a room with someone, but not being assigned a room until later.
Eventually, I got to meet other people. There was a main room with Netflix on and games. There were also other rooms. One was for group therapy, there was an area to get breakfast, and there were the rooms where we sleep. I do not remember everything super clearly, so I am doing my best to explain. The first person I met was super friendly. He asked me if I was there voluntarily or involuntarily. He told me it was his third time there and he was there voluntarily this time. He was the most welcoming person that I met during my experience. He talked to me about why I was there and it was nice how everyone was openly talking about their depression, but it was also scary because I have never opened up much to people. He introduced me to a small group of people and I ended up hanging out with them. There was also another girl who came around the same time as me and it was her first time. She ended up being my roommate. I talked to her a lot as well, but she kept to herself a lot. It was not what I expected at all.
I got there right after lunch time, so it was free time at the moment. I hung out with that group of people and we played games. We played hangman, ironically, then they played chess, while we just talked. We basically talked about personal things that most people wouldn't discuss so openly. It was nice to see other people so willingly open up. It isn't something I have ever seen before, but it made sense. We were obviously all there for similar reasons. They also told me we are allowed to make phone calls with the phones provided, so I was able to call my parents and let them know I was okay. Everyone was sharing two or three phones, so the calls had to be short, but I was surprised we were even allowed to use the phones. We went out to the main room and watched Netflix for a little with everyone. I don't remember what they were watching. I remember having to talk to a therapist alone not long after that. He asked me similar questions to the first person I spoke to. He told me it is possible I will be out in the next couple days.
After that, I believe it was dinner time and they gave out chicken and dumplings. I was starving, so I took a couple bites, but it didn't taste good, so I threw it out quickly. Then, they gave us pills to take. It is stereotyped that places like this try to drug you for some reason, but that was not true in my case. They gave me a very mild anxiety medication and sleeping medicine. Neither of them had any negative effects on me. I actually ended up continuing them after coming out of the center. We got to hang out a little longer, but it was almost bed time after that. Lights out was at 11:00. I took a shower and got ready for bed. They provided us little bags with shampoo, conditioner, soap, and a hair bush.
The next morning I remember being woken up and having to get in line for them to draw my blood again and take my blood pressure. My blood pressure was a little low at the time. It wasn't super low, just slightly below average. I was really worried when they told me they were going to draw blood because I had barely eaten. Of course when they did, I got super light headed and everything went black for second. I told them I wasn't feeling good and they were able to stop quickly after that. They told me to go get breakfast and finally I actually liked a food that was offered. It was a variety of things. I think I got a banana, apple, bacon, yogurt, and cereal if I remember correctly. You walked in and got to choose things, like a lunch room kind of. I ate and felt better after that. I was still confused about why they drew my blood, but the friends I had made told me they don't do it every day. It was nice to hear it isn't a regular thing. I wish I had eaten more though.
After that, we took our medications, then went to group therapy. They gave us packets to follow along and write our feelings. People were allowed to share, but not required to. I was starting to get used to being with these people and enjoy having people to talk to about these things. A lot of people were ready to leave, but I was actually starting to feel welcomed and having fun. In the middle of group therapy, my roommate got called out and was able to go home. I was happy for her because I knew she was trying hard to leave. I realized around then how lucky I was to find friends. We had talked about how important it is to make the most of it. There were people who just sat in the main room alone and were bored or depressed. It seemed like they weren't getting much out of it since they weren't talking to people. I didn't talk much since I am shy, but just hearing stories was enough for me. Everyone had been so nice. The group therapy was good for me because I got to hear people share their stories and experiences.
Group therapy ended and we had some free time again. I believe I got my shirt back, but not the rest of my clothes. Most people got all their clothes, but I had been wearing leggings and they said it was a safety hazard. We weren't allowed to have much, but it was amazing to see how people can actually bond when they aren't attached to their phones. I almost forgot I barely had clothes on.
Not long after group therapy I was called in to talk to a therapist one on one. He asked me if I was ready to go home. I remember saying yes, but thinking that I was starting to enjoy myself. It was a little sad that I was having more fun in a mental health center than at home. I knew part of it was not having the anxiety of having my phone. I knew talking to people worried me a lot. It was a nice break, but I knew I should go home. The therapist told me I can get ready to head out, so I got my clothes back and said goodbye to my friends. I did end up getting one of their numbers and we still stay in touch occasionally. I'm glad I made a friend out of it.
Finally, I got my phone back and was waiting for someone to pick me up. The place I was at was near my sister's house, so she picked me up. She asked if I was hungry and what I wanted to eat, so we went to a pasta place. I was so happy to eat food I liked again. I told her everything that happened and we got to catch up a bit. It was a lot to process, but I'm glad I went through the experience. I have heard stories of people being baker acted that were nothing like mine, so this is just one story. The people were all friendly for me, including the workers. It was strict, but that is expected in a place where everyone is depressed or at risk of suicide. In the end it was helpful for me. It made me really rethink my life and I'm glad I was forced to go through this experience.
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