I was diagnosed with autism when I was 20 years old. I always suspected I was different than others. It was as if the world was a mess of colors and I couldn't find what shade I was. When I was younger, my mom had me tested for autism. I had sensory issues, didn't make eye contact (literally just stared at the floor), wasn't very social, would always cling to my stuffed animal, was an extremely picky eater, and was in speech due to not being able to pronounce my "R's". Unfortunately, this wasn't enough to prove I had autism because there is very little female criteria on the matter; therefore, females often get diagnosed late.
I didn't relate to the other kids at my school and felt I was slower academically. I was told I have an anxiety disorder due to being uncomfortable in social situations. In the past, I would rather be home than interact with my friends. Over the years I thought maybe it was just a phase. I got older and still felt this way. In fact, the symptoms began to show more as I got older. I had trouble understanding what others were discussing or how they felt. I am, still to this day, so literal that people think I'm joking a lot of the time. A change in my routine causes me a lot of stress. I cannot sleep without my stuffed animal and honestly if I could still bring him to the store without feeling like an outcast I would. I need him if I am having a panic attack or am nervous. I have a very difficult time making eye contact. I am highly sensitive to sensory input. The slightest bit of light at night is frustrating for me and any noise while I am doing work causes me stress. I do not like being touched unless I am extremely close (emotionally) to the person touching me. What made my autism the most noticeable; however, was relationships.
I was never able to hold a steady relationship. I would tell my boyfriend something and he would get mad and I didn't understand the issue. I could never tell how my partner was feeling and they would get frustrated that I couldn't "just tell" that they weren't okay. Someone once told me we had "intellectual differences and he had to dumb things down to talk to me." He said it was frustrating to have to talk to me. When my partners and I got in arguments they got frustrated because they had to explain why they were upset in excruciating detail for me to understand. I tried so hard to be there for my partners. I also got very attached almost to an obsessive point and I never realized it wasn't normal early in a relationship. Every boyfriend I had became part of my routine. As soon as someone broke up with me, I threw a tantrum. Every single time. My mom told me it was a phase when I was a teenager, but it continued through adulthood.
When I was 20 almost 21, I told her I wanted to get tested for autism again. I was diagnosed with mild to moderate autism. This day was eye opening. It answered all my questions I had ever wondered. I never knew why relationships were a massive struggle for me. I thought I was crazy or there was something wrong with me. I was so focused on trying to figure out what was wrong with me that I couldn't see the good in life. When I got my diagnosis there was a weight lifted off my chest. I felt like I knew who I was. I didn't feel so lost. I was so lost that I stopped going to school and working out of frustration with myself. I am now working with students with disabilities and about to start my third year of college. I am majoring in Special Education. I want to share my experiences with anyone else who feels out of place. I don't want anyone to have to wonder the way I did. Sometimes we find out late, but it's better than never. This is my story and I hope you enjoy this blog in the future as well.
Thank you so much for sharing this. My girlfriend has also been recently diagnosed with autism. Now the things that she does makes more sense and gives us a better understanding of our relationship.