Depression

Hi everyone! I know I usually focus on autism on this blog, but I want to talk about something a little different today. It is common to have depression along with autism. I have major depressive disorder. My summer break from work just ended and all summer I was extremely depressed. I remember at the end of the school year last year, I was so excited to have a break. I think within a week or two I was ready to go back because I was miserable. Having depression has affected me throughout my life and I wanted to share my experience.

People with major depressive disorder (MDD) suffer from depressed moods, appetite decrease, fatigue, feeling worthless, difficulty concentrating, and recurrent suicidal ideation. There are days where I don't want to get out of bed because I feel sad. I always get asked "what's wrong?" and never have an answer. I just start crying. Everyone continues to ask and pry. I want to make it clear that a lot of the time with depression, the person does not know what's wrong. They are not hiding anything from you, they genuinely do not know. It is important that you do not keep asking because it is more frustrating to us when we don't even know what's wrong with us.

When I hear someone tell me "it could be worse" I want to scream. I cannot stand this phrase. Comparing myself to other people is something I do a lot, which causes more depression for me. To remind me that people have it worse makes me feel like you aren't validating my feelings. If I am upset and you're just going to tell me "it could be worse," then don't talk to me. I want to be able to be upset and someone just let me vent or help me. I do not want to be reminded of other people who are suffering in life. I am aware that it could be worse, but that isn't my concern when I'm already upset.

I get depressed a lot due to being alone. If I am venting to you in person or through text, ignoring that will only lead to worse thoughts. I listed suicidal ideation in the symptoms. I have had suicide attempts, which I have mentioned in other posts. I have not tried to kill myself in a long time, but these past couple months I have thought about it more than ever. There were days I would think about jumping off bridges, taking pills, googling other ways to die fast. I never acted on it; however, the few people I had around me helped a lot. Ignoring someone with MDD when they are having a depressive episode can lead to worse things than depression. If you know someone who suffers from depression or any other disability, please be there for them when they ask you to be. It is so important.

Do not tell someone "everyone has depression" this statement also goes with anxiety. I have heard "everyone has anxiety" my whole life. Both of these are true, but not everyone has a depressive disorder or an anxiety disorder. There are days I wake up shaking and days I wake up and want to die for no specific reason. Everyone gets nervous when they have a reason (e.g., new job, presentations, new school). Everyone does not get nervous over little things. I am nervous going to a friends house, learning new things, meeting people. I even get nervous for no reason sometimes. I have days where I am shaking so much I have a hard time putting my keys in the door or putting in my card at stores when paying. I have days where I wake up and I just wonder what the quickest way to die is. People get sad when they have a reason (e.g., losing someone, breakups, moving). People do not just cry for no reason unless they have a depressive disorder. I wish people understood that not everyone suffers from anxiety and depression the way people like me do.

If you do not have a disability, then please stop assuming you know what it is like in the mind of someone who does. Every day I am battling having depression, anxiety, autism, etc. I am not the only one who feels this way. Make sure you are listening to other people with disabilities and not just me. There is still a lot to learn about people and this is just my story. I just want people to understand the difference in struggling a little every once in a while and battling your mind every day to be okay. I hope this has helped give a clearer understanding of what depression is really like. It is not as simple as "I'm sad." It is a disorder I have to fight every day.